3 Simple Rules for an Effective Conversation

Have you ever found yourself feeling bad walking away from an ineffective conversation, especially a high stake one? Although carrying an effective conversation requires many skills that you need to develop and refine over years, there are some low hanging fruit yet high ROI things you can do to make some quick improvement.

We will cover 3 low hanging fruit rules that will make your next crucial conversation more effective. Please note, you can only benefit from these simple rules if you don’t underestimate their power and assume you have already mastered them. I have seen experienced professionals who still trip on these simple rules, including myself. Nail the basics! Easier said than done.

#1: Have a clear agenda and a crisp thesis

In the context of conversation, having many points and details is equal to having none. This is because written communication is like structured data that is better in capturing complex structures, while conversational communication is like streaming data that is weaker in capturing complex structures that you can reference back and forth.

Therefore, to have an effective conversation, set a clear agenda with clear goals and key points. For each goal or key point, develop a succinct and crisp thesis beforehand. Call out the thesis at the beginning, so the other person knows the focus of the conversation. Detailed facts and arguments are important, but don’t let them digress the conversation. In the end, always remember to steer the conversation back to the main thesis. Repeating the thesis a few times throughout the conversation is necessary and is not considered redundant. Doing the above will ensure the other person walk away from the conversation with the clear thesis in his/her mind.

#2: Listen before you speak

People usually focus on speaking and the speech part of a conversation, however listening is as important part of a conversation if not more.

Let’s get a couple of pitfalls out of the way first. Listening is usually ignored because it happens quietly in people’s head. When you learn from other effective communicators by observing them, you can easily see their speech when they speak. It’s hard to learn how they listen and process information. You have to reverse-engineer their method of listening from their speech or ask them in person if you are lucky to get that kind of opportunity.

Another pitfall is that people often assume they listened well. Who doesn’t know how to listen? However in reality while they listen, they have sub-consciously been distracted by themselves trying to formulate their own next speech with a “brilliant” point. So you often see 2 sides of the conversation talking about 2 orthogonal aspects of the topic. They both appear correct but can’t get on the same page.

So how to listen effectively? The principle to remember is that for most types of conversation, it’s about answering the questions, addressing the concerns, or convincing the other person. So you need to focus on their point of view to meet where they are. Understanding the importance of listening helps you to focus on listening. If you are anxious to formulate your speech and can’t wait to deliver your exciting speech, go back to the principle. Tell yourself that this is not a talk show, therefore accomplishing the communication with the other person instead of delivering an applause worthy speech is the ultimate goal. When you listen tentatively and intentionally, you will achieve another positive side effect. The other person feels you value their point of view and that helps your conversation to be more collaborative and effective too.

#3: Clarify the question before you answer

I often observe questions and answers between 2 parties go back and forth several times before they eventually got on the same page. It could be due to the vagueness of the question, because the other party wants to frame critical questions in a softer tone. It could be due to the fact the question was not well framed.

No matter what the reason is, when the question is vague, clarify it first. Rephrase the question in your own language and ask the the communication partner to confirm or correct it. This also show your sincerity of understanding their concerns and maturity to drive effective conversation.

One step even further is if you hear meta questions underlying the explicit question, point that out and confirm that too so you can address the meta question as well. Often times addressing the meta question may address the deeper concern of the other person who might not have been able to frame the question on their own or address a more generalized concern that the other person didn’t realize. In both cases, the other person will greatly appreciate you in up-leveling the collaboration and trust between you two.

Conclusion

These 3 simple rules help you structure and balance your communication. Intentionally practice them and frequently reflect is key to achieve improvement. Try these for a couple months and let me know if they are helpful.